Shocking Discovery! A Crucial Interview with the Internal Cannabis Horticulture Affairs Department
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    • Mar 2, 2022
    • 5 min read

Shocking Discovery! A Crucial Interview with the Internal Cannabis Horticulture Affairs Department

Updated: Mar 15, 2023

Hashwriter Media Group and Prestige World-Wide are absolutely honored to have our latest esteemed guest & distinguished colleague in the house. I could rant and rave about this person's contributions all day long, totally enamored by their greatness. So, without further adieu, I bring to you the heart of cannabis and the core culture of cannabis' next generation...


 


 

... It's Chad-himself.


H.W.: Hey Chad. Glad to be able to talk with you, and ask a few questions and get your side of the story. There has been quite a bit of-


(interrupts)


Chad: "Sup, bro! I was just here at the Hall of Flowers rubbing shoulders with the real cannabis industry types. That shit was poppin' yo!"


H.W.: Oh, cool Chad. Corporate P.R. events are my favorites. Hopefully you brought in all of your event people and the HR department from your fortune 500 company.


Chad: "Yeah, no way in hell I'm employing anyone who has worked in the cannabis industry before or smokes the shit. We try to push as many of those types out of the industry as we can. It's criminals like them, giving today's consumer a bad name with all of their peace and love and hippy bullshit."


H.W.: Hippy bullshit. Right!


"It isn’t about a good or a bad cannabis brand. It's about manipulation and the brand being celebritized." -Chad

Chad: "We seek corporate professionalism and we drug test our employees weekly."


H.W.: Do you watch them pee?


Chad: "We're looking to maximize profit margins and the first step was getting rid of the lazy stoners the 215 market's endorsed. We like to measure productivity on an individual level and our numbers remained consistent, even after replacing the so-called 'skilled-worker,' our head of cultivation, with some hush-hush, "cheap labor."


(note to reader: “cheap labor” was said using air quotations with fingers).


Chad continued: "Off the record, we're off now right? O.K. cool. Can you believe they're willing to do the job for pennies on the dollar? We cut 75% of payroll hiring rich heady kids willing to work for us for free and gave the money to upper-management as bonuses. Hell, we fired our entire marketing department and rely on our consumers for free marketing now."


 


 

H.W.: Enough business talk, lets get to the nitty gritty. What kind of C.R.C. products will your new (air quotes) "brand," put out?


Chad: "Well, ... we realized adding a C.R.C. column reduces our BHO yields by 0.0001%, so we stopped using it. We're making everything from a distillate anyways, so that all grades and levels of cannabis plants are perfect for our use. Doesn't matter how moldy, mildewy, or rotten those flowers are, nothing goes for a loss when chemical solvents come to play. We fill our vape carts up for about half-of a penny's worth of THC distillate and fill the rest with non-cannabis derived terpenes. It's the classic "get rich quick in cannabis" scheme."


H.W.: What about all of those Live Resin Vape Carts you sell?


CHAD: "This is one of our largest money makers after coming to the realization that there’s really no descriptive labeling laws. We can call anything just about whatever we want in this industry, inside of state product-category guidelines.


H.W.: Good point. Kind of like labeling stuff indica or sativa, despite having no possible way of testing or identifying either.


CHAD: Exactly. What’s live resin anyways? Cannabinoids and terpenes. We use distillate for the THC and top the rest off with non-cannabis derived terpenes and call them live resin carts. Consumer’s are clueless and will buy whatever we sell them, especially if the packaging is baby blue"....[grins hideously at me].




H.W.: Yeah, I figured as much, so-.


Chad: (interrupting) "Maximize, maximize, maximize!!! (said while making karate chop motions). Our facility is engineered by profit per square-pubic-hair. After completely stabilizing our facility, every grow-cycle is maximized. Everything is automated so that no one is required to tend to the facility during a grow. We set it and forget it."


H.W.: What about genetic diversity and environmental stressors being necessary to healthy and thriving genetics?


Chad: Who said anything about healthy or thriving genetics? We aren't here for quality, after-all. Hahaha. Come on now!


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H.W.: What are you here for?


Chad: "For the same reasons we’re heavily invested in the military and prison industrial complexes, as we’ve been profiting off the use or misuse of cannabis in one way or another since the day Prohibition began. Profiting from the legal and regulated use, is just covering the other side of the coin. They can fight and argue over state and federal law, meanwhile we will be profiting hand-over-fist. We're cracking people from all three sides of the equation."


H.W.: Talk about hedging your bets.... Fears about your image and practices not lining up?


Chad: "We used to have some concerns, but not anymore. Hell, after all of the shit these brands have pulled, yanking their tattoo program, kicking fans to the curb, treating consumers as an annoyance, getting caught lying about products, etc., etc., and yet people still kiss their ass.


Those guys broke every last word or promise of who they are and what they do, and yet the love and absent-minded support appears endless. They really invented a new model, earning true fan loyalty during the first year or two, smashing it, and holding it unapologetically over the heads of loyal fans. It isn’t about a good or a bad cannabis brand, it's about manipulation and the brand becoming celebratized."

H.W.: Sounds just about right. Well that's about all I can stomach for one day. Thanks again for being here Chad, and I'd say good luck to you and your new "brand" if I didn't know you had complete control over policy and legislating the industry. It's just another example, "where the economic power of corporations has been translated into political power with disastrous effects for people’s lives." I can say this much for sure, quality cannabis is impossible under the corporate structure.


Wrap-Up


Calling out our Supreme Court of criminals, I mean Justices, to use the words of Senator Whitehouse: "Congress has obediently repaid the corporate powers by changing the basic operating systems of our democracy in ways that consistently give big corporate powers even more power in our process of government, rewiring our democracy to corporate advantage." They already have everything else, will we let corporate money and a few old men take cannabis too?


 

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Subscribe to the Hash Blog today for future updates and new articles, as well as a monthly Hash-Letter. Tune in next time for Part 2 with Chad and Brad.





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